Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.