Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

Today I’m going to give it my almost

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car