Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

I hope they boil the right one.

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny