Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
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Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Owl Sanctuary
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages