doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Planet of the Apps.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?