Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

ㅤㅤ

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old