Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Bladder: I have to go

Laziness: Hang in there, champ

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.