doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
your honor my client chooses dare
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill