Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

Love it! 👍😂

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

“HELP WITH CAT”

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

ㅤ

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”