Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

Here’s a meme

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Jail

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.