Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.