Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

When I laugh on my period

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses