Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice