Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

mom gave me mine for free

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

Fight

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction