Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.