doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
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Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
So we got a goldfish…
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?