Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything