Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.