Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham