Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

I put the mess in domestic.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”