Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.