Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

A Match(.com), but for socks.

What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately

Me: Really?

5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for

Me: omg

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.