Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.