Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.