Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

I would like even faster food.

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

ouch

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?