Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

keep your friends close but your smartphone closer

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!