Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

*august*

y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR