Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

*quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”