Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

How do horror writers compete with current events?

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?

Twitter: absolu-

Twitter algorithm: no.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

This 4th of July, please remember…

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.