Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Duck typos.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
#IWishIHadNever noticed
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”