Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?

“No-”

WHY THE HELL NOT

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.