Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

{batman walking downstairs}

“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”

[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

ㅤ

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

bought wrong eggs

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

A comic by Dan Piraro

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.