doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Simple
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish