Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
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Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
what my late-night hot pocket sees
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
wish me luck lads
