Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
You Might Also Like
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
