doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
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97 problems.
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96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
So Hamburger help me, God
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?