doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You Might Also Like
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…