Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

Shoo shoo! 😂

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.