doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Don’t forget to tip your server
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Winnipeg!!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.