Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Boss: We need you to go undercover

Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here

Boss: Today’s your first day

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada