doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
#JohnTravolta
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.