Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

🤣🤣🤣

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

uh oh

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.