Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

What flavor cupcake are these

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

I’ve been learning to cook.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!