doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊