Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.

*walks out of pharmacy*

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Woke up with morning Yule Log

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Best mom ever 😂

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time