doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Who’s ready for Friday?!
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
but that was my emotional support daylight
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.