doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
You Might Also Like
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
buys donuts instead
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally