doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.