Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Xylophonist Shredding It

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever