Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”