Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Get in loser we’re going crying

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

Ironic

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC