Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.