Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
We decided to have money instead of children.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Beware of fowl play.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT