Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors