Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

taking June’s advice to heart

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray