Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Who’s your best friend?

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.