Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit