Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*

(yawn)

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?