Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah