Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

Admin smashed it 😂

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

This sounds bad:

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down