Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Yup

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*