Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.![]()
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Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
How does someone manage that 🤨
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.