Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
When someone says you are so lazy
wishing you and yours all the best
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.