Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.![]()
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Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?