Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When your parents check you’re ok.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
if i had a bf i’d be a gf
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?