Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

no!! no!!!!!!

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

man: wait

time: no

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

just make the entire table out of coaster