Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.