Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Don’t make me out nice you.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%

4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.

Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start