Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
This story is comedy gold 😂
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO