Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.
You Might Also Like
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
translated into Canadian
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!