Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?