Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

How I like cutting carbs

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

ㅤ

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man