[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
And bowling should be called pinball
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.