[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap