Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

quarantine day 3

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it

-yard sale

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.