Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.