Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Like sleeping!

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.

At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.