doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.