doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided


Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!


Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.


Do you buy white shoes for your children or do you have common sense?


College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.


Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-


[The Rock gets crushed]



[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall


I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.