Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Do you think I’m pretty
Do you buy white shoes for your children or do you have common sense?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.