doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY