Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.