Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

so much to do

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.